The Book of Jobs Part II

Yay! Another trip down memory lane in another useless blog series?  Why on earth do I put you and myself through it?  Because, well, if I suffer amnesia then it will all be online ready for me.  Unless, of course, we run out of electricity due to a lack of renewable energy sources and have to revert to a feudal existence.  However, I think mainly it’s because I’m perverse and have to finish something I start no matter how much suffering is involved for reader and writer alike.  So, just in case you’re interested, here is the rest of my concise history on the job front since last year.

It was very much of a case of good cop, bad cop in a job context as far as my career went.  I bumbled about equipped with my paper-thin CV and visited every recruitment agency in the Reading area.  There was a common theme: very frequently there was the response, “We’ll get back to you soon and invite you to an interview”, before the subsequent lack of response and an apparent amnesia as to my existence on returning with queries; there was also commonly a reply of the much more honest “sorry, no work at the moment, get lost!”.  Applications, at least the few I sent out, were also unsuccessful, mainly because I struggled with the “selling” myself part.  I’d always adopted the policy of never being absolutely certain about anything, as much of what we declare is true believed is based solely on assumptions that we make that don’t necessarily have a basis in reality (think “the Matrix” – and if you haven’t seen it you really should, unless you find brilliant action films distasteful for whatever reason).  How do we know “reality” is reality, when “reality” is all we’ve ever known?  How do you know who you are and how you’d react to a situation having never been faced with it?  How do you know when flipping a coin that it won’t land on its side and be neither heads nor tails?  Okay, you’re more likely to win the lottery (assuming it’s real) than the last of these possibilities, but my point is that none of these things are certain and yet we all assume many things such as these.  I am a believer in some kind of progress (in scientific and technological if not moral terms) and that ideas can be built on to gain further understanding in the world, but the universe is limitless and I do not consider it totally impossible that a coin could explode in a flash of green light on flipping in due to a phenomena that no one understands.  Please note I do not have a phobia of flipping coins, nor have I ever betted on a coin landing on its side when asked “Heads or Tails”, but my point is that I am a “L-O-Loser”(copyright 2009) that thinks deeply before telling a prospective employer in an application that I am a “hard worker” and would be “the best man for the job”.  After all, how do I know the company wouldn’t be better off employing someone else?  Anyway, you probably get the point at why someone like me might struggle writing applications so I’ll stop digressing…

Anyway, by chance I saw a recruitment agency in Reading and decide I’d chance my arm.  It resulted in me getting temporary work at Thames Valley University in the Admissions Department for Faculty of Health and Human Sciences.  In basic terms, I was recruiting and enrolling future nurses for TVU in the London Area (though I worked in the John Betjeman utopia that is Slough), specifically in the field of Adult Nursing.  I really enjoyed this work: it was a good commute, always frantically hectic and hands-on and gave me a lot of information very quickly.  It was admin combined with a lot of student contact and it made me feel really involved.  The fellow staff were all of a different generation (bar one fellow graduate from the University, which I now study at, who I made good friends with), but they were really lovely and looked after me (maternal instincts maybe!) and the manager was the best I’ve ever had too.  The other student referred to her once as an “authoritarian pixie”, due to her diminutive size and no-nonsense attitude, but she always made me feel good about myself and bailed me out of trouble when I made inexperienced mistakes, without making me feel terrible.  I think she could see that I came into work with my heart on my sleeve everyday, really worked hard and cared about my work and vitally knew how to get the best out of me.  There is no better feeling in the world of work than feeling you belong and that you are fulfilling a function and it’s an experience I won’t forget.  There was also a unity between the group caused by the fact that almost everyone else that we encountered in the company seemed to mess us around and transfer all of their queries to our department.  We were understaffed and underappreciated, but at the same time I relished it.  I knew it wouldn’t last though and unfortunately it didn’t even last as long as I’d hoped (though longer than I was initially contracted for).

Two months into my work (though it felt a lot longer) I was told that I couldn’t stay on beyond the end of the next week because a suspended permanent member of staff (who opened up the temporary position in the first place) was returning.  Apparently, they had fought to keep me, but as has become familiar during my time there, the department’s requests were turned down, so I had to go.  It was a real shame and it took me the Christmas holidays to pick myself back up to the task of finding work (yeah, I’m definitely pathetic, I know).  Judging by the next six months of 2009 though this proved to be the golden age of my working career and has set a high standard for the future to come.

A Warming Warning, or Why the World is Doomed!

You’ve got to love a nice gloomy title.  Mind you, I do have a strangely morbid sense of humour.  Whenever I visit my parents I usually counter their wishes of a safe journey home with the old “well, I’ll try not to die” line, or alternatively if they hope that I have a good time doing something then I’ll usually respond, “well I’ve got to get there first, I could die on the way!”  As you can tell, I’m not really a very good son, but hopefully, if I can channel my morbidity like Anthony Horowitz then I should do fine out of life!  However, I am pretty serious about the topic that I’m thinking about today.  I was watching “Age of Stupid” at a Green Week event at University on Friday.  It’s a film based in the future and looking back on the present, an era in which we set in to motion our future annihilation because of our hedonistic, corrupt capitalism and our blaze attitude towards the health of our planet.  The central cause is, of course, global warming, the taboo that people love to hate.

I wrote a blog on Global Warming briefly called “Fairweather Weathermen” (link here: http://thegreatsaundini.wordpress.com/2008/03/03/fair-weather-weathermen/), highlighting that it is often used as a scapegoat for many random things in our country, such as “abnormal” (what on earth is “normal”?) weather.  However, this was never to deny that Global Warming is highly likely to be true.  We may not be feeling the effects of Climate Change in our country yet, but in various countries around the world, (think Australia, parts of Africa and South America) there are clear signs of this (i.e. it hasn’t rained for two years).  Also, there is the melting of the Ice Caps.  Yes, this is partially down to some other factors (soot for example), but still mainly due to CO2 and other greenhouse gasses trapping heat into our Bio-sphere.

Another common argument against the Greenhouse Effect is the natural warming and cooling cycle of the Earth throughout history, which suggests that such phenomena are natural.  In addition to this, it is well-documented that the majority of CO2 emission of our world is created by natural causes such as forest fire (yes, these are natural and in some cases even cyclical), as well as water vapour being a greater source of climate change (36% as opposed to 26). While this is true, the real question is balance here.  Extra Greenhouse gasses that are in the atmosphere as a result of human activity upset the natural balance and cause an acceleration of natural warming, to the extent that we are registering this substantial increase.  In addition to this, extra warming mean more forest fires, as well as more water vapour (which is still the most prominent greenhouse gas, though it would be inadvisable to get rid of it) and when the global temperature increases by 2°C, the ice caps (predictably a cooling agent) will melt, resulting in the temperature shooting up by 10°C.  It’s a case of buy 2 get 8 free in consumeristic terminology.  In fact there are many other positive feedback relationships that I haven’t even mentioned.

So what’s the problem with this?  Firstly, the sea level will rise resulting in various coastal areas being flooded.  I’ve done Statistics long enough to know that Exponentially rising population divided by Shrinking Land Mass will give an increasingly discouraging result.  Secondly, it will (obviously) be a lot hotter causing chaos to agricultural industries (which are, though much maligned by the West in favour of useless number crunchers, the bedrock and foundation of all modern society) and also ecological change (bees dying etc) and the spread of diseases that are not native.  Some areas will become inhospitable adding further chaos to the first statistic.  Once all this starts it will only get hotter even if we cut energy usage completely, due to feedback and eventually we’ll all have to cram into to the Antarctic, Siberia and other currently inhospitable areas to survive.

Most devastating of all, however, is the one fatal assumption that all businesses and institutions seem to make.  That everything will remain the same.  In Statistics, in order to make estimates on certain populations or financial markets, you need to make these kind of assumptions.  The problem is a change in weather should cause a change in productivity, which is undeniably linked to a country’s economic well-being (a country is only as rich as its industry, money is simply a physical representation of this wealth).  If trade collapses, which it will do in parts of the world most susceptible to climate change, then Britain will too, as it simply no longer has the capacity to be self-sufficient.

You’d think given the amount we hear about climate change that we’d be preparing for the worst.  Well, actually it doesn’t make economic sense to do that, we should probably just ignore it and hope it goes away!  The recent chaos caused by flooding in the UK is testament to how screwed we would be if our weather patterns suddenly change.  Transition towns have popped up, but we need further growth of these and alternative methods of producing electricity must be utilised now.

Many scientists among the 99% who believe in man-caused Global Warming (a true statistic) have agreed that we need to stop increasing production of Greenhouse gasses by 2015 to bring climate change to manageable terms.  This may sound simple, but when you have countries such as China and India who are aspiring to the American dream and massively increasing CO2 emissions everyday and a highly apathetic US (who incidentally produce the greatest CO2 emissions in the world) this is a nightmare scenario, and this isn’t even taking into account what would happen if African nations came together politically and tried to bridge the economic gap between them.  No one seems to be taking the first steps to cutting emissions either, as it would put anyone at an economic disadvantage.  Oil companies always seem to find a way to quash planet friendly opposition, such as the electric car, and seem to have a hold of governments around the globe and of course no one is willing to give funding to disparagingly titled “green” (I personally think “code red” is more justifiable now) projects in the midst of a Credit Crunch.  More and more airports and planes are being built every day (flying is one of the greatest contributors of greenhouse gasses from humans) and more cars being built to save the flagging car industry.

Even at a local level things are hopeless.  Local councils are rejecting the prospect of Wind Farms being built, because they “spoil the view” and decrease house prices!  People moan about how confusing it is to have so many bins for recycling and won’t vote for the only party to enact any significant change essential for saving the country (i.e. the Greens) because they “don’t have a chance of winning in the next election” and are a “bunch of hippies” anyway.  Added to this, the obvious human tendency to be reactive rather than proactive, blame other people and leave things to the last-minute and you’ve really got to question whether people can save themselves.

To survive I believe we need to transfer funding and staff from power stations to renewable energy companies (I haven’t even mentioned the future oil crisis, I wonder how oil companies will make a living in 40 years time), to create as much of our electricity as possible, we also need to create extra funding for agriculture, put controls on immigration and build less housing.  Most importantly, we need to develop clean cars that run on renewable energy.  This technology surely exists, but is probably unreliable at present, but people need to understand that something needs to be sacrificed in order to save the world.  We, Britain, need to stop finger-pointing to big bad America and start acting.  If we lead by example, the world will follow.  Many people will argue that this is undemocratic and anti-capitalist, but I am not arguing ethics, this is simply what I think needs to happen.  Will this happen?  Emphatically no.  People will wait until Climate Change starts affecting us before taking action and by then it will be too late.  How hollow will some of our present-day arguments seem then.  I will feebly do my bit until then (vote green, recycle and use public transport), but I am sceptical.

If you think this is gloomy, I haven’t even touched on various other threats in the Universe, such as meteors, a fatal solar flare or black holes and frankly we do not even have a clue about how, if or when these things could happen!  But when everything is said, done and happens ultimately the biggest question is what do you think?  Is it the end of the world or the beginning of a new one?  How does this affect the way you live?  There is too much needless change and not enough necessary change in this world.  What can you do to change the world in the latter way?

I apologise again for letting my argumentative tone get the better of me (I like a good argument), I’d appreciate any other (even polar opposite) opinions and arguments and suggestions as to what you think needs doing to save the planet. Peace out.

It’s Time to Question Ourselves

I was watching Question Time last night and as many will know Nick Griffin of the British National Party was one of the panelists.  Though it’s not a Wednesday I feel obliged to offer my two pennies’ worth, despite the fact that no one asked for it, as I feel like a juicy controversial blog.  Here’s the BBC story if you please:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8322322.stm

There was a large objection to Griffin even being invited on the show because of his party’s well-documented “racist” views, and protesters seemed to go out of their way to prevent the BNP leader from being heard, some getting themselves arrested and shouting abuse.  Now, I have been on the BNP website and (unlike many uninformed opposition who believe that the true axis of evil the Daily Mail and Sun are the source of all truth) read their policies and vehemently disagree with them, but the fact is, and you may not like it, hundreds of thousands fellow countrymen feel otherwise.  That’s three times less than the estimated population of homosexuals in Britain (Observer 2005) and 0.7% of the popular vote in the last general election.  By silencing Nick Griffin we marginalise a large number who follow the party and, as a result, put our democracy in serious trouble.  What these people are advocating is “yes, we allow freedom of speech, but only if you agree with us!”  This is discriminating against them, the very thing we are ironically accusing them of.  Nick Griffin represents a small and controversial section of society, but one that has been elected by the people and thus deserves not to be censored just because the vast majority disagree with their policies.  I applaud the BBC on this count for standing true to its journalistic principles of free speech for all.

However, the “debate” was unfortunately heavily biased against Nick Griffin and most of the time we didn’t even get to hear the BNP leader argue his points because he kept getting interrupted by the rest of the panel mid-sentence.  The BNP are often criticised for inciting racial hatred (and rightly so), but the only people last evening displaying any kind of prejudice were the panel and clearly biased audience who seemed to have already made their minds up about the party and came on only to give the leader a hard time.  As it happens, I’m not sure whether Griffin would have had much of a comeback to many of the questions thrown at him in malice and personally I would have preferred to have watched him expose himself, rather than having angry politicians stopping him from doing so, desperately trying to deliver a knock-out blow with all the guile of Mike Tyson in his late career.  This was bullying and it comprised of its largest three elements: insecurity, anger and hate.  I personally felt really sorry for the guy and think he did well to last the show and keep a calm that shamed many of the others in that studio; many weaker characters would have either brutishly stormed out in fury or a girly fit of tears, such was the hostility.  Credit should go to the host, David Dimbleby, for ensuring that the show wasn’t even more biased, at least ensuring that Jack Straw was made to sweat when immigration policy came up.

Another interesting issue was how Nazism was frequently brandished in Nick “That’s a misquote” Griffin’s direction because of the fascist nature of the party.  Griffin denied this on the program and, though I wouldn’t read too much into this (the man is a snake and liar who has already admitted that he is trying to wiggle his way into a position of influence with which to carry out his White’s only Britain agenda), it wouldn’t surprise me if he was telling the truth on this occasion.  It seems to me that anything that is Nationalist is therefore Nazi and therefore Pure Evil that should be destroyed by hellfire.  Don’t get me wrong, I do not believe the BNP are fair in their policies, but do not deserve to be brandished Neo-nazis as a result.  Another interesting fact is that we seem to place Hitler and Nazis as the epitome of evil.  This proven by the fact that when anyone even makes a slightly complementary comment about the regime, such as Bernie (“they got things done”) Ecclestone, it’s blasphemy to our narrow perspective that there could be no undertone of merit in a regime that committed such atrocities.  I’m not going to discredit myself by denying the holocaust that obviously happened, but what is certainly true is that there are many countries and factions also guilty of similar race hate and genocide that are not regarded with the same level of disdain by the general public.  Also, just because the ideologies and actions of the Nazis were clearly evil, doesn’t mean that Nationalism is inherently wrong in all circumstances, or that Hitler mistreated his pets (as popularised on a BBC program) and I think it is important to recognise this.  He was a man like any of us, with good and bad qualities, but still committed evil atrocities.  Let’s not demonise him too much as Satan personified that we lose perspective that this same evil can be committed by any human being regardless of name, colour, nationality or creed.  The BNP would be walking a fine line if they got into power in going the same way (so don’t vote for them, I’m going for Green), but nationalism and national pride should not be stamped out as invariably leading to the murder of millions of innocents either.  The government needs to know that we need some nationalism, in addition to equality, to unite us, just as much as lower taxes and higher wages.

The largest thing that stuck out for me when watching the show however was how maligned you were to have an unpopular viewpoint.  We are essentially hypocrites.  We say “Be yourself” and then we villainise those who stand up for their beliefs.  We say “We should respect everyone’s point of view”, but there are different rules for those who disagree.  I’m a Christian and I’ve had experiences like Nick Griffin, of people ganging up on me at school, because of my religious convictions.  Like the panel and audience, they weren’t genuinely interested in my answers, they simply wanted to get every atheist argument off their chest to prove what was most important to them, that I was wrong and they were right.  I’m not a Christian because I want to win an argument, that would certainly be counter-productive, but I’m guessing that they hadn’t even thought about the implications of themselves being right and their own convictions, but for the present.  It still happens today to some extent, I am considered a fool for being married at 22 and for believing that something so important and spiritual should only be enjoyed in a strong committed relationship.  I’m not saying that I disapprove of others for thinking something different, but that’s what I believe for me and I stand by my life decision in this aspect whether others understand this or don’t (and they usually don’t).

Anyway, lots of controversy there.  Here’s a summary of the main questions: Should Nick Griffin have been on Question Time?  Do you think the bullying approach from the BBC panel and audience was fair?  Do you think it will dissuade voters from going BNP?  Do you think we are indoctrinated to make a link between Nationalism and Nazi Germany?  Are we really allowed to form our own opinions or do we have to conform to the majority view?  I’d appreciate it if any arguments showed humility and were well-reasoned instead of abusive.  I’m more than happy to learn from other people, change my mind and even humbly apologise if I offend anyone with my opinions.  Till next time.

The Book of Jobs Chapter 1

I quit the latest in a long time of jobs a few days ago (and “no” it wasn’t because I was consistent late, you shouldn’t read too much into me being a bit lazy with posting up new blogs).  It was only part-time work at a pub, as a bartender/waiter in my local area, but I can’t help, but feel slightly upset about how the whole situation resolved itself.  I only worked 10 shifts, and generally worked well and hard, but in the end I couldn’t get any structure with the work and they started to ask me to work on Sundays, even though I had made it fairly clear when applying that I wouldn’t work then because it is my wife’s only day off in a week (she works six days per week as a teacher by the by).  When I decided to have a spine for once and told him that my marriage came first over the phone I was pretty much fired on the spot, as he put it, ”well I need someone else who works when I need them. Don’t work then. Bye!”.  I managed to ask him about being paid for my over 40 hours of unpaid labour before he hung up, but I have to admit, I’m still a mite concerned that I won’t get paid at all, and am even entertaining conspiracy theories that I was exploited.  After all, it was a casual arrangement, no contract, just word of mouth.  It’s a shame as I was starting to become really skilled and also enjoyed the experience when I was abruptly acquitted.  I have a natural love of serving others and it felt good to be part of someone else’s great night out.  However, counter-balancing this, it was slightly annoying how the pub manager, who was an odd camp oriental spindly fellow, seemed to adopt a policy of scapegoat until proven innocent with me (i.e. I kept getting blamed for things I didn’t do) and never gave me any reassurance that I was doing anything correctly.  After a whole year of it, I’m more than a little tired of being a work whipping boy.  To top it all off, I didn’t even learn any good bar jokes, at least not any without me in the punchline.  A man walked into a bar, worked 10 shifts and didn’t get paid…  Personally, I don’t find that one too funny.

I’ve never seemed to have much longevity in jobs so far and good experiences overall have seemed few and far between.  I suppose it is this that has lead me to pursue further study, a new qualification, with the green pastures afoot promising a new job in which I am respected for having some specialised knowledge.  How did I end up doing Statistics though?  It was quite a journey, particularly remembering that this blog was set up as a part of my English and Creative Writing qualification.  As it happened, that qualification has, so far, done me few favours: my writing has dried up like a dying river and it has offered me no specialised avenues, except publishing (in which you have to do free work experience just to have a chance of getting a position, am I interested in it enough to do that? Not really) and journalism (I’ve always had a thing against journalism).  Moreover, my inherent unambitiousness, relentless honesty and modesty and weakness in speaking has pretty much ensured that I’m automatically out of the running in a lot graduate positions (not that I want to do many of them anyway, another problem).  Ultimately, I’m not going to be able to write all of my experiences here, so I may just write a fortnightly series on my experiences in a working credit crunched world.  First of all though, better get back hunting for some part-time jobs!

Fire Safety… Literally

It’s amazing how much fun and pointless training can be nowadays.  Recently I applied and was successful in getting a job.  Having got the job, I was sent a letter through the post, which gave me a website which would “complete my application”.  With a groan, I reluctantly found time to do this, as the job sounded really interesting.  However, I was convinced that upon flicking the site up onto my computer that I would be drowned in online forms, particularly when the letter stated that it would take “about an hour” to complete!

To my surprise though, the whole experience was quite fun in a strange way.  This enrolment process was basically online training, which had to be sat through in its entirety, or not be paid, but included videos, quizzes and pictures to keep it tolerable and at times highly amusing.  For instance, at one point, there was a question that ran, “Who is your customer? A – The guy you are serving food too,  B – Your colleagues,  C – Your manager,  D – Other miscellaneous positions in no way related to the actual job”.  Too my surprise the answer was “Everyone is your customer”.  Now I appreciate the sentiment of being generally polite and helpful to everyone you come across, but I couldn’t find myself agreeing.  I mean, can you imagine a world where everyone treated everyone else as a customer?  Here’s a scenario, a friend meets someone who adopts these principles by heart for a coffee:

Mr Everyone’s your customer: (Wearing a broad smile) Hello, how can I help?

Friend: (Slightly puzzled) Err… hi.  I’m fine thanks.  It’s a bit cold out here. Let’s go inside shall we?

Mr E: (enthusiastically) Good idea sir!

[they walk into the coffee shop and begin to queue]

Mr E: (politely) Would you like to reserve a table, sir?

Friend: You mean save us a table?  Okay.

Mr E: Would you like something to drink?

Friend: Well, generally that is the idea of going for coffee…

Mr E: Would you like the Chi Tea Latte?

Friend: (calmly) No, no.  A Cappuccino would be good, thanks.

Mr E: For an extra 20p you can go large.  Would you like to do this, sir?

Friend: (firmly) No, just a Cappuccino, thanks.

Mr E: (with a sickeningly gleeful grin) And that will be 5 pounds please.

Friend: (astonished) But the price up there says 3.20!

Mr E: A generous service charge is included in the price.

Friend: (disgruntled) What are you talking about?  Look, you save us a table and I’ll buy the drinks.

Mr E: (deeply pained) Are you dissatisfied with your service, sir?

Friend: (apologetic, but still irritated) You could say that, yes, but it’s me, I’m fairly meticulous and I prefer doing myself, you see?

Mr E: Are you sure you don’t want to issue a complaint?

Friend: (firmly) No, that’s okay.

Mr E: (with a smile again) Good, because I’m not sure where my manager is.

Friend: (bemused) Manager? Anyway, what can I get you?

Mr E: I’m sorry sir, I’m not allowed to have drinks while I’m on duty, company policy.

Friend: (shakes head in astonishment) ?  (hesitantly) Um… oh… I forgot… something.  I’m really sorry about this, but I need to go back to the office, work to be done, you know.

Mr E: (Exaggerated astonishment) Wow, you must work hard.  It’s Sunday!

Friend: (feigning honesty, but fairly desperate to leave) Well… you know… a Postman’s job is never done!

Mr E: (mock-curious) Oh, I didn’t know the post went on Sundays?

Friend: Bye!

Mr E:  (Wearing a cheesy smile) Thank you sir!  Have a nice day!  Who’s next please?

Sickening.  That’s the only word I can use.  I’m guessing that Mr. E wouldn’t have much of a social life, love life and probably wouldn’t even be very popular with his co-workers, but should be excellent in any customer-service related field, but then I can relate to him in that way (except in terms of love life of course)!

The rest of the form, getting back to topic, wasn’t much different to this, if I’m honest.  It was all so straight forward that you probably didn’t even need to be literate to get through the program.  Other highlights, included hearing the company “values” in the form of watching a strange video, in which certain key words cropped up over the dance tune “Children” (is it me or do these company values all say the same thing with different wording?), learning that it’s probably not hygienic not to cover an open wound whilst handling food, despite the fact that it heals more quickly and blood looks like a kind of seasoning and contains iron, and of course the mandatory fire safety, which takes me to most of what I wanted to talk about this blog…

As in many other fire safety training schemes I have ever done in my entire life I was told, “Do not use escalators”, “If you see a fire, press the fire button and calmly vacate building” etc.  The trouble is, these aren’t particularly useful instructions when faced with a real fire.  I remember, when I was 17 I was using the hair-dryer and through some freak of physics, the hair-dryer caught aflame.  My response?  Well, first I stood in amazement as it started to burn my mum’s carpet, then I remembered what I’d learned at school to do in such a situation: vacate the building calmly, do not take anything with you or attempt to fight the fire.  So, I got my brother (14) and sister (9) and calmly told them about the fire and how we needed vacate the building immediately.  My younger sister wanted to get her favourite teddy from her room, but applying the school rules rigidly, I, of course, didn’t let her do so (despite the fact that the fire was really small) and told her to accept that her teddy was lost.  In the end, I took my brother and sister to my next-door neighbours to tell them about the fire and they were able to sort out the problem for me.  In the end, I only needed to turn off the electricity and smother the flame.  At least I wasn’t stupid enough to throw water onto an electric fire I suppose (probably thanks to the education of a variety of cartoons).  It seems ridiculous that people are rarely taught how to fight fires though, just to escape them.  Maybe it’s a sign of our society nowadays: too much insurance and too many lawsuits, not enough straight talking or practical honesty.

And another thing?  Why on earth are we told not to run for our lives in the event of a fire, as would be our natural inclinations?  That’s never made sense to me.  I mean, surely in a crisis situation, you’d want to get out of danger as quickly as possible, especially when there’s apparently “no time” to reclaim any belongings and the seconds count!  Maybe, it’s a Victorian throw-back.  In practice, I’d be surprised if anyone followed this instruction when faced with a this situation.  Does anyone else know any strange safety rules that do not make much sense, or maybe even rules that no one follows?  I’d like a good read, so post them below if you have any.  My future self appeared to me yesterday evening and informed me that next week’s blog will feature a flashback that I will have at some point this week, so tune in next week to test your time-travel theories (will the fact that he came back and told me the future now change the future or is it fixed?)!

This is the Return of the Great Saundini… Interplanetary

Well I said my blog had finished forever and that I was headed into blogtirement, but it turns out I lied.  That’s right, through absolutely no popular demand, the blog is back with a new name!  I thought the Return of the Great Saundini was far cooler than my previous title, though I suppose it is lacking the childish toilet humour appeal of the last (I always thought Blog sounded curiously like Bog).  You might be wondering why I decided to come back, what has happened to me for the past year (it’s my two year anniversary of the start of my blog don’t you know) and why I’m out for revenge and against whom!  Well read on friend (I appreciate no one reads this regularly, but I still like to feel popular)!

First off, why did I come back?  The truth is, I missed it, particularly the sense of satisfaction of writing down my musings about things and marvelling arrogantly at my own achievement.  Most crucially of all though is the fact that I have written El Zilcho (or is that El Zilco? Help!) since leaving University for the first time.  I’m hoping that writing this blog will help me feel more productive in writing down my ideas.  Plus, as I am terribly bored with Facebook and consequently never check it, I am hoping this might be a better format to keep people up-to-date with the exciting (in a Mr Bean-kind of way) happenings of my life.

Second, what has been happening to me this past year?  Well, it’s all been a bit of a blur and if I wrote down everything now I would be blessed with patience exceeding that of Saint Paul, so I’ll give a few highlights.  Got  married and enjoyed experience in the end, went on honeymoon, moved into new house, got admin jobs, didn’t do any writing, failed PGCE interview spectacularly, did some tutoring, decided teaching wasn’t for me, decided admin wasn’t for me, decided statistics was for me, applied to do post-grad at wedding, went to Peru, Bolivia and Miami, started University and became first man on Mars (well that bit hasn’t happened yet, but I can dream!).  If you want more information than that then tough!  Though I am occasionally having strange flashbacks that I may be compelled to write down on a fortnightly basis!

And finally, why and against whom do I want revenge?  The answer is… I don’t, but I thought that writing that would give the illusion of a greater purpose, depth and aura to my blog, though I realise that I may have just dispelled that by stating the bare facts.

Anyways, I will be updating this blog on a weekly basis from now on (every Wednesday).  Enjoy!

Parting is such sweet sorrow…

Well that’s it people. This blog is over, partly because I can’t be bothered to do it anymore with the absence of any kind of assessment and partly because I’m talking into blank space, rendering my digressions pointless. Thus, this post is to be a memorial. So if anyone has any good memories of this blog, please post here. If this blog proves popular enough (unlikely), I might be persuaded to come out of my pre-mature retirement, though I’m reasonably satisfied at having the same number of episodes as Star Trek the Original series, possibly the greatest program in the world ever. Maybe one day I’ll have the same cult-following as that show did and one day people have conventions in my honour! But then, maybe I have ego issues! So now I say: Goodbye cruel world, I’m off to go into teaching!

How’s that?

Incredible game at the Oval yesterday and for the only time in my life I can say: I was there. It was beautiful weather, a little too beautiful actually. The sticky feeling a sun-cream was a bit uncomfortable. Especially when it mixes with hot sweat. It was quite an experience. One of the main things I noticed was how small the cricket pitch looks in real life. On television it looks absolutely huge, but in reality hitting a six wouldn’t be too difficult with the right ball. The fans were rather strange though. Most of the game they seemed to be the antithesis of supporters with some imaginative individual calling Ian Bell a bell-end, whilst one fan implored Ryan Sidebottom to “hit the stumps you f***ing hippie!” The ”sing-when-your-winning” attitude that some “fans” take towards their players amazes me, especially when the opponents are no slouches as New Zealand were. It was interesting to see how the stewards responded to any sign of activity in the crowd, almost as if we were just waiting to become riotous in an hot-headed drunken rampage. Of course, I had to remind myself that though I found this “babysitting” amusing, the possibility of such an incident was admittedly plausible considering the way that some people drink throughout the day. Now, considering play started at 10:45 in the morning and finished at nearly 7, most people were yelling slurred sentences by the end of the day.

Now you may be wondering how on earth people sat through 8 hours of cricket. Some tried to start a Mexican wave, booing those who wouldn’t join in, some bounced a ball around, beer spilling everywhere until a steward confiscated one ball. The story of the game however was an interesting one. England were in bat first and started well, batting at a good rate until Wright went out bringing in Kevin Pietersen, who no one seems to like for some reason. He went for a second ball duck (i.e. zero runs after two balls) hoisting a ball aimlessly into the air for a catch. That was when Ravi Bopara came in and along with unlikely hero Owais Shah built up a good total for England. However when Bopara recklessly skied a well-caught effort the England tail (people in team for their bowling ability) didn’t stand up. Matters weren’t helped when Shah insisted on taking a needless second run and promptly got run out. However, Sidebottom and Andersen were unlikely heroes and held out to bring England’s total to 245 before being bowled out on the 3rd ball of the 50th over (that’s the last over for non-cricketers, One day cricket, not to be confused with test cricket, each side have one innings, a turn at batting, that lasts 50 overs, 50 sets of six balls).

England bowled well to start with getting out New Zealand’s best batsman Brendon McCullum for just 1 run. Sidebottom then got Taylor caught to take New Zealand to 17 for 2. That was when Scott Styris came in and really turbo-charged New Zealand’s innings. However, he could have gone for a duck immediately when Jimmy Anderson, normally inconsistant but on a good day today, bowled a fast one that Styris edged for a routine catch for Owais Shah, England’s batting hero earlier. However, somehow he dropped it and Styris went on to make more than 60. He was dropped off another bowler Stuart Broad twice more. When Styris was bowled out, he had already formed good partnerships with Jamie How who went for just under 30, and Flynn, both got out by spin bowler (a bowler that relies on guile and trickery instrad of out and out speed) Graeme Swann. Following this Styris had created an explosive partnership with Jacob Oram who catapulted New Zealand into a winning position. Once Oram was caught by England sub Alastair Cook, Styris was run out and this created a tight finale. England, having bowled badly and not kept a maiden (an over with no runs) all game, suddenly found some tight bowling and managed to get dangerous captain Daniel Vettori out with not much trouble. A Controversial run-out where England rather unsportingly stumped Elliott who was down on the floor injured following an accidental collision with Sidebottom brought England needing two further wickets, whilst another Tim Southee run out meant that England needed one wicket to win, whereas New Zealand required 12 to win off three overs (18 balls). From this point every ball was clapped and there were no distractions from the game, except for the cheering of fans between each ball. Cue the first maiden of the game bowled by Swann, to make it 12 to win off 12 balls. England captain Collingwood took this over and bowled a few dot balls before being crashed for a six by New Zealand bowler Kyle Mills to bring the score to 6 off 8 balls. Three more runs brought New Zealand to two behind England on 243 with one over (six balls) remaining. Having run out of bowlers (as each bowler can only bowl 10 overs maximum) Luke Wright, England opener and all-rounder, was called in to keep it tight. Kyle Mills scored a single off the first ball, to bring the Kiwis to one behind England. Then Wright bowled superbly to keep New Zealand on 244, 1 behind, until the last ball. All three results were still possible after 8 hours of play. A maiden or wicket would see an unlikely England win, a single, a tie, where as two runs or more would see the Kiwis victorious. It was extremely tense and I could feel myself shaking in the heat. The ball was good to tail-ender Gillespie who could only block it a short way. However, because they knew that they needed a run to avoid defeat the Kiwi pair began haring off desperately. Swann, a hero just three overs earlier gathered the ball and aimed for the stumps for a run out which would win the game for England. Everyone in front of me stood up in jubilation and my view was blocked, then subdued cheering. It was then I realised that the men in front of me were now holding their heads in disbelief and as they dropped dejectedly to their seats, some New Zealand fans a few rows in front, one of whom was Elvis reincarnated, were celebrating. Paul Collingwood stood their with his hands on his head on the field. I had to wait for the main screen to confirm my fears, “Congratulations New Zealand”.

Let’s freeze frame for a minute. Let’s focus on Swann aiming for the stumps. It was an absolutely pivotal point of the game. If he had hit the stumps, England win, if he had simply held onto the ball, England would have tied and the series forced to a decider. On the other hand, as he missed the stumps, the ball trickling away from the fielders gave the New Zealanders time to gain the time they needed to gain the second run which resulted in the game being a victory. You could ask why didn’t a fielder back up the throw to protect a draw, but if Swann had hit the stumps that argument would have been redundant. It was heat of the moment, this wasn’t an audit, it was a moment of destiny, of chaos. How fine was the margin of victory that day? Sometimes I see fans simplify sport down to winning mentalities and losing mentalities, but when something like this happens surely you can’t put it down to this. This was a penalty miss in a penalty shoot-out. This was getting the bullet in Russian Roulette. Sometimes, though humanity doesn’t like to admit it because it gives them a lack of control, fate and luck can play a bigger role in the outcome of an event.

The Rise and Fall of the Great Saundini Part VIII

Welcome for the final time to one of my readings of the future, that is, my own future. Unfortunately, I can only see sadness and death in this part so I implore the squeamish to beware. Let us delve for one final time and see what can be seen…

I feel scared. Fear. Shadows are all around me laughing. The smell in the dark alley is damp and pungent of fish. I have just been told that to stay in this relatively safe area, I’d need to earn my rent by stealing. I look around at them. “Please ta meet cha lad”, this one had a long red beard, “me name’s Fagin, Fagin Fagin”. “A la Oliver Twist? You’re joking”, I tell him. “You calling my name a joke boy?”, “I’m 38!”, “Shut up!” The shout was from a man who looked mean and I noticed he had a nasty looking dog. “Let me guess” I asked, “Sikes”. “Shut up! Me name’s Dikes!” Reluctantly, I agree with him. “Look kiddo! you’re comin’ with us!”

And at that, the barking dog gnawing at my ankles, I am frogmarched by Dikes through up to a grand house just outside central London. I feel so hungry. My legs ache. “Where are we going?” I ask. “To a club my boy, a club”. “Stop calling me a boy!” “Shut up!” We sneak up to the Window. “Hey I recognise this place!” I tell him, “We’re in Chertsey, this is exactly the house which Oliver breaks into in the Dickens novel”. “Shut up!” came the predictable reply. “Now climb in boy and open the front door for me”. “Why would I do that?” I ask. He shrugs sarcastically before thrusting a gun from his pocket and clicking off the safety. “You make a convincing argument Mr Dikes” I tell him and at that I climb into the house.

It is grand, with fine pictures everywhere and a smell that reminds me of my one true love. I figure that now I’m inside I can just call the police and get rid of this man Dikes, however I realise that I haven’t finished treatment still technically so I may well end up prison myself as a result. “Hey!” I hear a sound behind me and see Dikes poking his revolver through the window. The moonlight behind him making his head a silhouette. I start walking to the door and reflect on my life. I’ve abandoned most of my principles, been a coward in the face of danger and failed in everything that I have done, why should I resist allowing my standards to slip any further? But then comes the voice, a heavenly voice in my head that tells me of unconditional love and that we always have a choice. I could hold on to my life, or compensate for a lost life by losing it to a glorious death. And yet I am scared. After all, there is never any guarantee of how I’ll be treated in the after life. I give myself a compromise that I need to learn more, and so persuade myself to go ahead with this. That’s when I stumble over a welcome mat and slap down onto the laminate floor. On getting up I see a frame, and inside the frame I see that I can’t rob this house. The picture is one of my love.

I thought that she still lived in Bristol, but it doesn’t surprise me that she has a place nearer the English National Opera in London. Adrenaline starts coursing through my arteries and smell iron. I go to the door, tears welling in my eyes and apply the chain lock, turning round in defiance. At this comes the gunshot and my stomach forces me backwards clattering into the door. I look up gasping in pain, a pain which is numbing as I start to lose blood and life. I see my love coming down the stairs in a nightie brandishing a violin fiercely. “Who’s there?” she yells aggressively before seeing me, she screams in fear and stands still there. A silence follows, the blue moonlight shimmering off her brown hair. “I thought you were dead” she tells me. I simply splutter back and my attempts to talk hurt me as I try to respond in a way that I don’t know how. I clutch my stomach and begin to see stars, but remembering a last duty I remove my love-letter from my pocket and hold it out to her. Lactic acid is eroding my arm as she finally takes it and reads:

“My dearest love, I want to say,

that I adore in every way

that this simple and cliched tripe

could never show in its bold type,

my final breath is coming now

But for your own peace, don’t ask how,

I am a casualty of earth

And no ambition has had it’s birth

In my heart and the world appauls

My only place is with St. Paul.

Please find new love and new success

Try not to grieve and obsess

And I will always watch you on high

In never-ending bliss, I die.”

“Oh, the Great Saundini”, she weeps, my eyes not open, “can you not understand? As you love me just as I am, I love you. It doesn’t matter what job you do, so long as you are you! That’s real success! I’d love you, tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief. Do you see Saundini? Saundini?” And then silence. I start to see my own body on the floor, blood spilling out of my gut and creating a red lava pool on the laminate floor. My love runs to the telephone and calls an ambulance, but it’s all in vain, the Great Saundini is dead. I fly through the ceiling and up into the night sky and suddenly a flash of white.

I’m back, though not for long. It’s amazing how much life is about to change, obviously based on the fact that I have had this vision of the future now in the present, the future will not turn out like this and be consigned to being an alternative reality, but rest assured, if I hadn’t written this, that is exactly how the future would have turned out! Incidentally, isn’t it weird how scientists seem to actively go about trying to recreate sci-fi futuristic horror films? In honesty it would put me off breaking laws of nature in the name of science. See 6th Sense and I-Robot and watch this space. Well done, faithful blog readers, whoever you are, if you have read this far. Thursdays blog will be the last. I’m off into the working world, a world in which not many care too much about what I write! So unless there’s much demand, I’m signing off. Ta ra til Thursday!

Greed and Poverty

I find the stereotype that we’re a greedy nation, because we own many of the world’s resources a strange one sometimes. Often projects like band aid, comic relief and Make Poverty History seem to try to guilt-trip us into investing in their product, as if it’s our fault the world is so unequal and that we need to give money to help address this balance. In other words, if we give our money the scales will even out and everyone in the world then ends up well off.

I realise this is not the intention of such projects, indeed they are simply looking for donations and trying to show that investing will make a big difference. I also would never deny that there is truly a huge gulf in wealth worldwide between the rich and the poor. However, it’s the individualistic attitude and blame culture I object to, which I feel charities and projects exploit for their own interests. After all, though charities wish to appear vocational, it must be remembered that they’re still a cut and thrust business competing with lots of other companies trying to brainwash us into splashing the cash. Our blame though seems to me grossly unfair sometimes though and this obvious attempt to sway me often puts me off getting out my wallet and giving Terry Wogan a call.

First of all, it seems to me that no amount of money-shifting can make a quick and permanent difference to poverty in the third-world as their poverty is based on industry and economy in the country. Thus, even if an over-paid footballer did give all their money to Moreover, Fair Trade, a process of artificially raising prices for goods from those countries, could mean that companies may be forced to turn to alternative sources to keep up with supply, because of competition, and demand and isn’t really sustainable. Moreover, much of the extra profit given with Fair Trade may not necessarily go to the people that are really suffering, but to the industries instead. Simply not buying imported products will cause a collapse in the economy and disaster. The reason we are so well off, seems more to be a by-product of the British Empire than any real day to day faults.

Moreover, many people in Britain don’t seem to be too selfish. Whilst looking for jobs, I came across the charity sector and found it very competitive, and in one of the world’s largest charities it seems virtually impossible to even find a paid vacancy and the website has reached the point where they are asking surfers not to send in a CV to express their interest. In other large charities there’s more applicants for jobs than the companies can use or afford. The simple truth is that British people are constantly looking to give back to the community, but that there often isn’t the opportunity. Moreover, millions upon millions of pounds are given by the British public to charities on an annual basis. I would say, only a small minority of people don’t care about other people in the world in the midst of their wealth, though it may be fair to point out that many can lose perspective in the stress (as if I know the meaning of the word!) of our day to day routines. 

I am not for a moment using this blog to try and tell people not to give to charities, as they can make a real difference in the world and this is worth the donations. What I am advocating is a guilt-free type of giving. After all, a gift feels better when it’s freely given.